I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
