I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
