I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
