Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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