im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i dont even know how to be here
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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