I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
