I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
