I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
