Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
