Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
