I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
