omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
