The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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