Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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