I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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