i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
