I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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