True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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