This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
