i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
