My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
