I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
