You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
