i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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