It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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