ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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