My friends, they love my intelligence
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
