just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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