OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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