im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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