I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
