You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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