He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
