Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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