Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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