this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
