i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
