And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
