Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
