Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
