That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
