my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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