Michael Bay diarrhea
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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