Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
