also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I came so hard my ears popped.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
