a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
