it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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