I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
