apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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