Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
