I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
